


Stay

by nyghtrain



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Older Man/Younger Man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 05:09:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyghtrain/pseuds/nyghtrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young Goyjo is taken in by a reluctant older man named Hakkai. From there, two lonely men start to figure out just how much they mean to each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay

The first time Gojyo met Hakkai he was fifteen. Without a word of warning he was unceremoniously dumped on the guy's front step as the blond police officer told him if he ran he would shoot him. For some reason, Gojyo believed him, so he sullenly adjusted his duffle bag and pretended that his life wasn't all screwed up in every sort of way. There was a muffled voice behind the door and then it was pulled open. Gojyo refused to look up from his scuffed up tennis shoes.

"Sanzo?" It was a man's voice, soft and controlled, with just the hint of surprise. "What are you doing here? Who's this?"

"Don't look too surprise. You really think I wouldn't be able to find you?" Sanzo barked out.

There was a pause and Gojyo was tempted to look up and see what was going on, but before he could he was suddenly yanked and thrust against a warm, but solid body. He looked up and into green eyes and for a minute everything became razor sharp, because he never seen eyes like that. So green, so real. Looking at them made everything that happened to him come back like knives plunged all over his body. His stepmom, his brother, all of it was just laying there and those eyes dragged it all out and then swallowed it down, like they were used to pain and could take it even if it cut him up inside. Maybe he was a masochist or a sadist, he wasn't sure which, but he couldn't help wanting to curl up into those eyes and hope it would swallow him too.

Then those green eyes blinked and Gojyo was firmly being pushed back as green eyes faced Officer Sanzo.

"Sanzo," Green eyes said and the words were hard with the undertone of, 'You better explain yourself this instance or very bad things will follow.' It made Gojyo relieved he had been pushed back so he wouldn't get hit in the ensuing carnage.

Sanzo lit up a cigarette then pointed to Gojyo. "He's yours."

Hakkai's eyes narrowed and he gave a disapproving glare to Sanzo's cigarette. "Sorry Sanzo, but I haven't fallen into your habit of taking in strays."

Ow, that hurt. Gojyo looked back at his shoes. It shouldn't have hurt. He was used to people seeing him as trash. So who the hell cared what this stranger thought, but for some reason he did care.

There was another long pause and then Sanzo was talking again. "Kanan says she misses you."

"I see," Green eyes said. "How long?"

"Two weeks. Three weeks at the most."

"I understand."

And then just like that it was done. Officer Sanzo was gone and he was left standing with yet another person that didn't want him there. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he automatically looked up and back into green eyes. He must have been staring for a while, because Hakkai gave him a small shake and his brow was creased in worry.

"Are you all right?" Green eyes asked.

Gojyo couldn't help himself. He laughed. It was one of the stupidest questions he had ever heard, but it was a question everyone had been asking him ever since they found him on the floor next to her. "Yeah, just peachy."

The man paused and at that moment Gojyo realized he was older than he first thought, and not just a little. There was some slight graying at the temples and a mild case of crow's feet at the corners of his mouth, though almost none at the eyes. He wasn't too surprised about that. Only people who smiled for real got those and from that fake smile curling up on his lips he figured that was a rare occurrence.

"What's your name?"

"Gojyo," he said.

For a minute Hakkai didn't say anything, just stood there and waited.

"Gojyo Shane."

For a moment something flickered on Hakkai's face, before it was wiped away. "Nice to meet you Mr. Shane. I'm Hakkai Cook." He clapped his hands together and Gojyo jumped a little at the sudden motion. "Now Gojyo, do you like spaghetti?"

"Um, yeah, I guess."

"Good, then why don't you get cleaned up for dinner? The bathroom is down the hall and to the left."

With that Hakkai puttered off toward what Gojyo assumed was the kitchen. Dinner was an awkward affair. Hakkai asked him what happened and Gojyo retorted by asking him who Kanan was. After that no other questions were asked. It wasn't that Gojyo didn't want to say anything it's just he was so tired of telling the same damn story over and over again. Still he felt sort of bad. The guy obviously was only taking him in as a favor, but he was already screwing things up. He sighed and looked regrettably at the spaghetti. It was good, like better than he had, ever, but he just wasn't hungry. He pushed the plate away.

"Something wrong with your meal?" Hakkai asked politely.

"Nah, just tired."

"Ah, then let me show you to the guest room."

"Thanks."

They walked into the bedroom, the awkwardness between them making Gojyo feel even more guilty. Even so, Hakkai moved right along, showing him the room, and pulling out clean sheets and a blanket.

"If you need anything I'm right down the hall."

Gojyo nodded. He looked at the bed trying to figure out how to word what he wanted to say next. Forget it. He was never good at this sort of thing. "Um, Hakkai," he started, turning to look at the man, but he was gone. Gojyo blinked in surprise and then heard the distinct sound of dishes clanking. He shook his head and laughed, flopping down on the bed. "Just couldn't wait to get away from me."

He turned over and buried his face in the pillows and tried not to think.

He must have drifted off, because he woke up with a start. Fear had his heart thumping and he was looking around the room in a panic. "Jien?" Then it came back. Jein wasn't here. He was caught up with internal affairs and who knew what was going to happen to him all because of Gojyo.

"This is useless," Gojyo mumbled and then sat up. He was tired of sitting around being people's burden - his dad's, his stepmom, Jien, and now this Hakkai guy. It was better if he just left. He looked back at the duffle bag. Everything was still in there and he had enough cash to get by for a while. It was crazy, but Gojyo grabbed the bag and headed to the door. He snuck past Hakkai's room and was in the middle of the living room when a voice broke through the darkness.

"It's raining."

Gojyo whipped around to see a shadow standing by the window. The shadow stepped forward and Gojyo could make out the sharp lines of Hakkai's body. He was dressed in a t-shirt and loose pajama bottoms.

"Yeah, so?" Gojyo said. He wanted to just forget about this guy and keep walking or at least that's what he told himself, but instead he stood there, waiting. A part of him strained to hear Hakkai's words in the dark room.

"I hate the rain," Hakkai said, turning back to the window and pushing back the curtain. Moonlight filtered over him, making his white skin seem to glow. Gojyo's breath caught and he unconsciously took a step forward. He stopped himself and desperately tried to figure out how to break this accidental spell he found surrounding him.

"Then why are you just standing there watching it?" Gojyo said and winced at how harsh his voice sound.

Soft laughter answered him. "Is it that easy?"

Gojyo stiffened. It was as if Hakkai was echoing the words that had screamed in his mind all the years. 'Cover your ears,' Jien would say, right before he disappeared in the room with Mom. But no matter how much he tried to close his ears he couldn't. 'Hit her good, just once, and that'll solve things,' Barni would said flippantly, when Gojyo would crawl into his place and ask to bum a cigarette, 'or at least run away.' He could never do that, because she was always his mother and sometimes he would hope that maybe she could get out all the anger and hate and discover that he had stayed there, constantly loving her, and it would be enough. Don't listen, hit her, run away - everyone said it like it was easy.

"No, it isn't," Gojyo said, and his voice felt thick in his throat.

"You're crying," Hakkai said.

Gojyo blinked and then scrubbed at his face. "No, I'm not."

"Come here." Hakkai held out his hand.

Gojyo hesitated. He could still run. Hakkai didn't want him here, but Gojyo found himself dropping his duffle bag and walking towards Hakkai. Because Hakkai was calling out to him with that moonlight skin and those eyes of sorrow that he couldn't resist. He stopped in front of him and placed his tan hand into his.

With a strength that didn't match his delicate form, Hakkai yanked him forward. Then Gojyo's face was buried against his chest and he was crying like he was a two-year-old brat. Crying and crying for the mother who hated him and the brother who abandoned him, and a life where love wasn't like in the movies, but all crooked and wrong, but people wanted it anyway. He wanted it. 

He cried and Hakkai stroked his red hair and muttered soft words against him that Gojyo couldn't make out, until all the tears left him weak and limp. And somehow in between then and now, Hakkai led him to the couch and he was lying there, with his head in Hakkai's lap, wondering if he should feel embarrassed, but too tired to move.

Hakkai continued to stroke his hair. "Stay."

Gojyo blinked and he felt his heart speed up. Had he heard right?

"Stay," Hakkai repeated.

"Okay," Gojyo mumbled out and his voice didn't match the fast beating of his heart and the desperate want that shuddered through his body, because he been waiting all his life for someone to tell him to stay, because that was the first part of being wanted and just maybe it would end up turning to love. He knew it was foolish and hadn't hope like that gotten him almost killed before, but that was just the sort of guy Gojyo was. So he snuggled deeper against Hakkai and hoped, just like a kid. And maybe he was just a kid, because he loved like one, fast and bright, and he had fallen for Hakkai as soon as he saw those green eyes. Which was crazy, because Hakkai was older than Jien, older than his Mom even, but he loved him anyway and on top of that Hakkai asked him to stay. So he stayed.

He stayed for six years.

***

Those six years passed quickly. If he had to describe it then he would say it was sort of like losing his virginity - awkward with lots of fumbling around, but so intense that he wouldn't take back even a moment. Living like that might have driven a person crazy, but Gojyo started to realize he sort of liked crazy. It was also why he had to leave.

He wanted to stay. Who wouldn't? Even after six years Hakkai was still handsome and the crow's feet that appeared at his corner of his eyes made him look even better, especially since it said a lot. Hakkai still pasted on that fake smile, but sometimes Gojyo got the real thing. He lived for those moments, secretly held those smiles close and came with a muffled groan. He knew it was only a matter of time until he couldn't hold back and said, or worst, did something. And he knew what Hakkai's response would be, because Hakkai still saw him as that fifteen-year-old punk he asked to stay.

If he wanted even a chance he had to leave, so he went to school, graduated, even spent a semester at university at Hakkai's insistence, before dropping out and enrolling in a fast track program that would help him open up his bar. A year after graduating he had his bar up and running and regulars coming in. In a way it was easy. The hard part had been telling Hakkai good-bye.

When Hakkai saw him with the worn duffle bad slung over his arm he smiled. He took a sip of his tea. "I suppose asking you to stay won't work this time."

With that simple sentence Gojyo was ready to give up and just throw his duffle bag back into his room. But he couldn't. Eventually he would end up shoving Hakkai against a table and though he often told himself he would stop if Hakkai told him to, more and more he wasn't sure if that was true.

"You say it like I'm never coming back," Gojyo said, running his hand through his hair.

"Oh? Are you?" Hakkai said and gently placed his cup on the table.

Gojyo shifted. "Are you saying I shouldn't?"

Hakkai didn't answer and Gojyo felt a swell of panic and despair mixed together. Was that it? Did Hakkai want him gone? He felt pain stab him in the chest. Looking down, it felt like he regressed in time. Then he caught sight of Hakkai's hand. It was shaking.

Relief flooded his entire body, followed by determination. He strode to the table and slammed his hand down with a sound of finality.

"I'll be here. Every day for dinner. You got that! If you don't want me here you just going to have to change the locks, because I'm not giving you back the key."

There. Right there, a tiny smile. "But Gojyo," Hakkai said and looked up at him. "Won't you be working at night?"

"Breakfast then! Damn it. You knew what I meant."

Hakkai laughed. "Well I suppose I do now." Then Hakkai looked up at him and smiled. It was soft and slow and real. He had never seen this smile before and it took all his willpower to not kiss those soft pink lips. He definitely made the right decision, but damn did it suck.

***

After that another year passed. Hakkai was more open with him and Gojyo eventually told him about Jien and his mother. Hakkai never told him about Kanan, but he left clues and Gojyo was able to piece some things together. It was probably why when Kanan came into his bar, he knew right away who she was, well that and she looked a hell of a lot like Hakkai.

She sat at the bar and ordered a whiskey sour. She didn't seem like the type, but if she was anything like Hakkai it was safe to assume that it was better to not take anything for granted. So he fixed her drink, placed it in front of her, and waited for her to talk. There was a chance she just came to get a drink, but he wasn't betting on it.

"So you're Gojyo Shane," she said, looking at him with liquid green eyes. He tried not to look at them. It was too much like Hakkai's eyes.

"I'm guessing the red hair gave it away," Gojyo said. "Kanan Cook, right?"

"For the moment," she said and held out her hand.

Gojyo blinked at the rock sitting on her finger. Shit. Shit. Shit! "Congratulations. Does Hakkai know?"

She didn't answer. Instead she took a draw from her drink, before fixing her gaze on Gojyo. "How much do you know?"

He froze and then forced himself to relax and wipe down the counter. "Enough to know that you both have pretty shitty luck."

She laughed and it was a soft trilling sound that had people looking. At that moment Gojyo realized just how beautiful Kanan was and just how much that didn't do anything for him, because she wasn't him.

"That's a nice way to put it," she said and leaned against the counter, propping her elbows up.

Gojyo found himself growing irritated. Maybe it was part nonchalance of her waltzing in here with a ring after everything she had with Hakkai. How could someone so easily give up what he so desperately wanted?

"Gojyo," she said and her voice was a command and it sounded so much like the way Hakkai said it, that he immediately met her eyes. "Can you tell my brother I miss him?"

What he saw in those eyes made everything crash down on him. He knew, without a doubt, that Kanan still loved Hakkai. Because it was the same look Hakkai held whenever he came across something that remained him of his twin. So why was she here? Why was she flaunting that ring of hers if she still felt the same way? Didn't she know that if she just went to Hakkai and told him he would take her back with open arms. Damn it hurt.

Gojyo looked away. "I can't. Tell him yourself."

"I see," she said and then sighed. "I'm sorry. That was cruel of me."

Gojyo didn't answer. What the hell was he supposed to say to that?

"Besides that's not what I'm here for?" she said and finished off her drink. "Another please."

Gojyo nodded and fixed her a new one. "So why are you here?" He asked and placed the drink in front of her.

"For a trade," she said and pulled out a small envelope and slid it over the counter. Gojyo frowned and looked down at it. His name was sprawled across it in fancy calligraphy. "Go on, open it."

Gojyo wasn't sure he wanted to, but his curiosity got the better of him. He opened it and then gaped at the little invite. This couldn't be real, but suddenly things started making sense.

"I think it's a fair trade," Kanan said, pausing to take a drink from her glass. "Your brother for mines."

Gojyo blinked and then he yanked off his apron and jumped over the counter. "Fuck!" He grabbed one of the servers. "Emergency. You're in charge of the bar."

He didn't wait to get a confirmation. He raced out of the bar and was soon in his beat up sedan and puttering towards Hakkai's house. When he got there he wasn't surprised to see that the house was dark. He wasn't surprise, but it didn't mean that it didn't scare the shit out of him. He just couldn't get those green eyes out of his head. Deep wells of sorrow that swallowed everything up and over the years he got to wondering just when Hakkai would end up getting swallowed up as well.

"Please don't let it be today," Gojyo whispered to himself as he fumbled the key out of his pocket and then thrust it into the lock. He yanked the door open.

"Hakkai!" He felt like his voice was swallowed up as soon as he spoke. He looked around and then was moving past the living room and into the kitchen. Relief flooded him. Hakkai was sitting at the kitchen table. "Hakkai."

No response. Gojyo walked slowly, scared what he might see. He reached him and gently, put his hand on Hakkai's shoulder. Hakkai jumped, startled, and as he did a paper fell to the ground.

"Oh Gojyo. I didn't hear you come in."

Gojyo didn't answer, instead he leaned down and picked up the paper. It was the invitation to Kanan Cook and Jien Shane's wedding. Gojyo's hand tightened on the invite. He wanted to ball it up.

"Shit," Gojyo said. "So she did come to see you."

Hakkai was quiet. "So you met her. Kanan, I mean."

"Yeah," Gojyo said. Hakkai hadn't turned around, so Gojyo walked around until he was facing him. Hakkai's face was a careful blank. Gojyo crouched down next to him. He was almost afraid to touch him, but he made himself reach out and take his hands. "Did you know about Kanan and my brother?"

Hakkai sighed. "Yes, though I hadn't realized their relationship had grown to such an extent."

It explained a lot - the distance that Gojyo never seemed to be able to cross and even the flinch when Gojyo introduced himself all those years ago. All this time, Hakkai had to put up with seeing his face, while his brother took away the one thing that Hakkai loved. So he really had been just another burden.

Gojyo pulled away and sat on the ground, his legs sprawled out. He shook out a cigarette and lit up. Hakkai didn't say a word and that was proof enough that things were pretty much over. Even so, he had to turn the screw tighter. He too a long drag and blew out a thin line of smoke.

"So why didn't you say anything?"

"Please Gojyo, I'm really not up for talking about this," Hakkai said and his voice sounded so very tired.

Gojyo looked at him and for once Hakkai actually looked 47. Old, tired, and still too damn beautiful for his own good. Gojyo's heart squeezed and he knew he couldn't just give up, even when he knew it was pretty damn hopeless.

"Yeah, well you're shit out of luck. So talk," Gojyo said and took another drag.

Hakkai looked away. Silence wrapped around them, but it was noisy with memories. Finally Hakkai began to speak.

"I'm sure you pieced together most of what happened. I was on a special force that focused on a particular mafia family. It was a small group, but vicious. They're speciality was human trafficking, usually young girls. Sanzo and I managed to take down a good amount of their people and we had some hard evidence on the leader. They warned us to back off if we wanted to keep our families safe."

Hakkai smiled a little. "I was young and optimistic then. I refused to back down. Instead I sent Kanan to a safe house." Hakkai balled up his fist. "They found her almost instantly. One of our guys had been on their payroll." He took a deep breath and then let it out in one long shuddered. "It took a long time to find her. It was bad, real bad. The things they had done to her."

He shook his head as if he was trying to get rid of all the bad stuff, but it was still there, would always be there. "I killed them. Even now I can't regret that. I know if I had the choice all over again I would do the same."

Gojyo shuddered at that cold voice, but in the end he couldn't judge him for that. He loved Kanan, still loved her. People did crazy shit for love. He knew that firsthand.

"I found Kanan, but when I went to her, she grabbed my gun and shot herself in the stomach." Hakkai cringed and closed his eyes. "Luckily, Sanzo wasn't far behind and we managed to get her medical attention. You brother and his partner took over, watching over her just in case the mafia had sent out a hit on her. That's how she met Jien. He watched over her, even got her to talk when nobody could, not even me."

"When I would see her she would just stare at me with this look, like it hurt her to look at me. You see, Kanan didn't want to be saved, not by me. And in the end it wasn't me who saved her." Hakkai finally looked at him. "It was Jien who saved her and I hated him for that. I'm sorry."

"And I'm his brother," Gojyo said, tearing his gaze away and looking at the ceiling.

"Yes, you are," Hakkai said.

Gojyo closed his eyes. "So that's it then."

Another pained sigh. "I suppose so."

So there was nothing he could do. He was just a burden to him, just a face that reminded him of what he lost. All that hope for nothing? Then why had he told him to stay? Damn it some of those smiles had been real. "That's bullshit."

Hakkai stiffened. "Excuse me."

"You heard me. That's bullshit." Gojyo finished up his cigarette and stood up. He tossed the stub in the sink and then twisted around and grabbed Hakkai by the shirt. "You say she didn't want to be saved by you. You say my brother was the one who saved her, well, so what! Aren't you already even."

"Gojyo," Hakkai said, frowning. "What are you-"

"Shut up and listen," Gojyo said, shaking him a little. "I didn't want to be saved, but Jien did. So maybe I can understand what your sister felt like. Just because we didn't want to be saved, doesn't mean we shouldn't have been. She needed you to save her, just like I needed Jien to save me. Just because we didn't want it at the time doesn't mean we didn't need it."

Gojyo leaned against Hakkai, burying his face in the crook of his neck. "I saw her eyes. She still needs you, but she needs Jien too. Just like..." he swallowed "...just like I need you."

He buried his face further against him, waiting for his words to sink in. Then he heard Hakkai's hand moves and he wondered if he was about to push him away, but then he wrapped his arms around him. Gojyo let out a choked sigh, that sounded a little too much like a sob. Hakkai was holding him and he hadn't felt his arms around him since he was a crying fifteen-year-old.

"I'm not crying," Gojyo said.

"I know," Hakkai whispered.

Reluctantly, Gojyo pulled away. "And I'm no longer a kid."

"I know that too," Hakkai said.

"I'm a man," Gojyo asserted.

Hakkai reached up and thread his fingers through Gojyo's hair. "I've been aware of that for a long time."

Gojyo's heart slammed against his chest and he licked his lips. "I'm going to kiss you."

Hakkai smiled at him and it was one of those real smile - soft, slightly broken, and perfect. "Are you asking permission?"

"Hell no," Gojyo said and then his lips were slamming down against Hakkai's, because he had wanted this for too long to be gentle.

Hakkai's hand tightened in his hair and he moaned. It was the sexiest sound he had ever heard in his life. His cock agreed with him because he was hard and ready and he wondered if Hakkai would be too against him just taking him across the kitchen table. They broke apart to breath and Hakkai managed to growl out, "Bed."

Well that answered that. Maybe next time and god he hoped there was a next time. Then they were walking and stumbling to Hakkai's room. They fell onto Hakkai's bed and suddenly Gojyo needed to know. Did Hakkai really want him? It seemed impossible and he didn't want to stop, especially with Hakkai looking so damn rumpled and flushed, but he needed to know.

"Please, please, tell me you want this," Gojyo said as he nibbled down Hakkai's throat, just in case he needed extra incentive.

Hakkai gently pushed Gojyo away then cupped his cheeks. "I wanted this for a long time Gojyo."

He blinked. "You have."

Hakkai laughed. "You look so surprise." He nodded and a soft flush rose across Hakkai's cheek. "I wanted you probably longer than I should have, legally speaking." He hesitated. "Does that bother you?"

Gojyo grinned. "I can show you just how much it doesn't bother me."

"Oh. Oh!" Then Hakkai was arching up as Gojyo slid between his legs and showed him with tongue and lips just how much he didn't mind.

***

In the end, they didn't manage much more than blowjobs, but it was still one of the best nights of his life followed by one of the best mornings, because when he woke up Hakkai was still there. He snuggled against Hakkai, breathing in his scent. He wondered how he would reaction. Would he be angry, tell him to forget it, or would he accept him? Gojyo suddenly felt a wash of panic and he wasn't sure if he could stay there and find out. Besides he should check on the bar. He had left without warning. He slowly started to slide out of bed.

Hakkai shifted and opened his eyes. For a minute confusion crossed over his face and Hakkai blinked a couple of times before looking at him. "Gojyo?"

"Yeah?" He said, just a hint of wariness in his voice.

Hakkai grabbed his wrist and pulled him down, pulling him against him and pressed his body against Gojyo.

"Stay," Hakkai mumbled.

And he did.


End file.
